I can't sleep, unsurprisingly, so these are some of the things on my mind.
I'm in the process of coming out as (grey) asexual. I don't know how many people are going to end up reading this, but you're now among the people I have told, who at this point can be counted on one hand with leftovers. I would love to find some contacts to talk about this with- i'm familiar with AVEN, but i'd rather not start off with total strangers, i'm sure you understand.
the more i think about my thought processes from different points in my life, the more it amazes me that it took me this long to figure out. i'm doing a lot of both literal and figurative facepalming thinking about it.
I really didn't think it was all that big of a deal when i first started telling people. Up until basically right now i even struggled with whether or not i should consider it "coming out." because i really didn't believe that it would change anything, and that since i'd always been this way i was just applying a label to the way i'd always been. i figured coming out was reserved for people whose behavior would significantly change thereafter, as in bringing home one gender of partners over another, or what have you (im so inarticulate right now i apologize) but once i started gauging peoples' reactions, i realized slowly that it really is significant. but like...to whom? are my parents (or younger brother for that matter) really going to want to know that im not sexually interested in anyone (generally)? my sex life has never been their business in the past, why start now?
and my good friend at school. her world is incredibly black-and-white. i have my doubts that she would be able to wrap her head around a new sexual orientation. she made a big deal about me telling her i was an atheist, and she doesn't even go to church. she has a bisexual friend, who she routinely describes as "confused." when she can't make a decision, she says it's because she's a girl. do you see where i'm going with this? do i even want her to know?
on another note entirely
Sometimes I remember that somewhere in the north of England, there lives an attractive young man who has a memory of talking to me in a club in Berlin, with the clear intent of chatting me up and etc, and i just...kind of want to yell at the clouds about it. In a good but also kind of regretful way. We had such a good conversation...we could have had such a good time (in a less sexually-charged way than you might think)
a lot of the time now I want to go places I've never been before and have some more adventures. My adventures last semester were so incredible, but I don't want it to end there. My life now is so slow. not unpleasant by any stretch of the imagination...but very slow nonetheless. I want to go to Russia and Istanbul and Krakow and Amsterdam and Nuremberg and Copenhagen and Munich again and Berlin forever and Paris and London and Stockholm and Barcelona and Dublin and Edinborough and Rio and anywhere I can't speak the language or read the signs and i need new money and i have to trust the waiters to bring me food with no meat in it and i walk through the beautiful city to a bed i've rented in a room i might get robbed in that i fall into gratefully at the end of the day to sleep and look at my photos and make temporary hostel friendships
and i have every intention of doing so in the not-far-distant future
i'm also wondering what platonic partnership actually entails, and then how to explain it to someone else.
im going to go ahead and basically distance myself from a lot of the early content on this blog. it documents my thoughts from what turned out to be a very very dark point in my life, and i have grown so much since then.
all of my past tags seem so juvenile...they refer to categories of things that happened before
that's not me anymore